THE ART OF WORRYING ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL!

 Ah, divorce. The majestic metamorphosis of a once-loving union into a painstakingly curated collection of legal documents. It's a time when many find themselves knee-deep in the worry bog, fretting about things entirely outside their control. But fear not, fellow uncouplers, for I bring you enlightenment wrapped in sarcasm!

Now, some people may tell you that worrying about the uncontrollable is like attempting to teach a cat to fetch your morning newspaper. Pointless, frustrating, and likely to end with some scratches. But let's dive deeper into this bog of despair, shall we?

First and foremost, you must recognize that worrying about the uncontrollable is, in fact, the gateway to true enlightenment. Why focus on pesky things like personal growth, moving on, or reconnecting with oneself when you can worry about what your ex is having for breakfast?

Did they always hate your cooking? Will they post pictures of their food online with hashtags like #freedomomelette? Will they replace you with a trained chef? The possibilities are endless, and they all lead to an ever-increasing circle of non-progressive thought.

What about the neighbors? Surely, they will be taking daily polls on who got the better end of the divorce. And those friends that once thought you were a delightful couple? They're undoubtedly planning secret meetings to determine whose side they're on.

But don't stop there. Extend your worrying to global proportions! Think about the state of the economy, the political situation in countries you can't even pronounce, or the existential conundrum of socks disappearing in washing machines.

What's that you say? Focus on personal healing, rebuilding life, or discovering new hobbies? Bah! That's for people who don't appreciate the fine art of wallowing in uncontrolled worry. They simply don't understand that worrying is a full-time job, and someone's got to do it.

In conclusion, my soon-to-be recovering divorcees, let the uncontrollable take control. Allow your thoughts to drift into the never-ending abyss of "what ifs." After all, why deal with reality when you can build a fortress of anxiety and uncertainty?

Remember, worrying about things beyond your control is a lifestyle, not a choice. And the more you worry, the closer you are to achieving that pinnacle of post-divorce success: becoming a professional worrier. It's a career path with no promotion, no benefits, and absolutely no satisfaction, but hey, at least you're committed to something again.

Happy worrying!