CONTROLLING EVENTS AT THE EX'S HOUSE?  LET IT GO!

As a divorced dad over 40, it's understandable to want the best for your kids, even when they're at your ex-wife's house. However, trying to control what goes on there usually backfires. I've been down that road, and learned the hard way that letting go of control is best for everyone. 

First, you have to accept that your ex's house will never be run exactly how you would run it. She may have different rules about bedtimes, diet, screen time - you name it. But trying to insist she do things your way only causes conflict and makes co-parenting difficult. Kids need consistent rules and environments. When you're constantly questioning or criticizing her choices, it undermines consistency, no matter how good your intentions.

Second, trying to control her house can make your ex resentful and less likely to cooperate on important issues. I learned this when I once lectured my ex-wife about allowing our 14-year old to watch violent movies. All it did was make her dig in her heels, pull the "my house, my rules" card, and get very defensive. After that, she was less willing to collaborate on school or medical issues.

Third, you run the risk of alienating your kids if you constantly question their mom's rules. They may start hiding things from you to avoid getting her in trouble. Or they may end up feeling torn between their parents. I once grounded my son for a month after catching him playing mature video games at his mom's against my rules. He started lying to me about what happened over there - damaging our trust and closeness.

Finally, trying to control your ex's environment can negatively impact your own mental health. I found myself obsessing about minor things my ex was doing "wrong." This only raised my blood pressure and distracted me from enjoying my limited time with my kids. I had to learn to accept I only have control over my household.

Letting go of control when your kids are with your ex-spouse is incredibly hard. But overstepping usually does more harm than good. As dads, our job is to provide a stable, supportive environment when the kids are with us. If we do that, they'll be OK no matter what happens at mom's place. It's not easy, but for the good of all, we have to loosen the reins.